Porn – the effect on partnered relationships
Published in Blog by Andrew Davidson on 22 June 2026
Is pornography affecting your relationship? Tavistock Relationship psychosexual therapist, Andrew Davidson specialises in working with couples and individuals to help them better understand sexual relationships. In this article he explains how the way people interact with porn can be linked to their different levels of sexual satisfaction.
In partnered relationships, porn has its ups and downs (pardon the pun). It can introduce excitement and novelty to a sexual experience. It can also lead to betrayal, sexual avoidance, reduced sexual satisfaction, and become destructive if partners are not open about their use of porn.
A recent studyi found that the way people interact with porn in relationships is linked to different levels of sexual satisfaction, sexual pleasure, and sexual shame, such as whether porn use is secret and solitary, whether partners are aware of solitary use, or whether porn is shared between partners.
In a therapeutic context, at TR, we see similar situations where porn affects a relationship that correlates with this study.
Porn as a secret – solitary use
According to the study, one of the damaging effects of porn on an individual who uses it secretly is that it isolates them from the reality of partnered sex, leading to lower relationship and sexual satisfaction and potential sexual dysfunction. Associated with solitary porn use is also a sense of shame, which can manifest as negative thoughts about partner sex. The shame and secrecy involved in using porn without a partner’s knowledge may also influence how their partner sees their lack of engagement in sex, potentially increasing feelings of shame and confusion about what might be happening for both of them.
Depending on the partner’s personal history, especially if there is a low emotional connection in the relationship, the secrecy of using porn without their partner’s knowledge can have a devastating effect on them as individuals and on the relationship. The discovery, the secrecy, the thought of what else they have been hiding, the sense of betrayal eroding trust, and what they believed they shared, suddenly vanish in an instant. This is when most people seek help.
The internalised shame and discomfort of using porn and what partners see as “normal” can heighten feelings of secrecy, sexual shame, anxiety, and self-consciousness during partnered sex. This may then potentially reduce the emotional connection between partners, either pushing the partner towards porn use or encouraging more secrecy, thereby diminishing the emotional bond.
Being transparent about porn use can ease some of these feelings, but it can also increase anxiety about being honest in how and when porn is used. It’s a double-edged sword when deciding whether to be open about using porn (will your partner be receptive to discussing it?) or not (will they withdraw, causing more dissatisfaction, leading to complications in the relationship).
Partner-aware solitary use and shared porn use
One aspect we discuss in psychosexual therapy is the importance of having an open, honest conversation about sex. Being able to share and understand what our partner enjoys sexually helps clarify what both of you might enjoy.
When it comes to partners being aware of using porn on their own or sharing it together, the study found more positive associations with sexual satisfaction and sexual pleasure, especially among women, which, they say, “could be understood as a reflection of increased intimacy and trust facilitated by mutual engagement in sexual exploration.” While this sounds very positive, shame remains a factor in shared use, particularly in the UK, causing not only internalised conflict and shame but also a shared fear of what is being viewed and differing perceptions of porn.
The dilemma about porn use
If you are beginning a new relationship, it might be easier to discuss the use of porn as part of a shared experience and a conversation about sex. However, what we observe in therapy is that when porn use is kept secret from a partner, especially when sexual satisfaction and pleasure are low, it can feel like a betrayal and a concealment of a different life from what your partner perceived as real.
So, how do you tell your partner about your use of porn? This is the porn dilemma: the conflict between sexual expression and gratification, the shame of hiding what you might be watching, the ethical issues related to the type of porn being viewed, and what might happen if all of this is revealed to your partner.
Navigating how you express yourself sexually can be challenging, especially if it’s hidden and weighed down by shame. Having a more open and honest conversation about your use of porn could positively influence your relationship. It’s also about understanding yourself and knowing what your partner understands about porn.
If you were open about your sexual fantasies with your partner, not necessarily wanting them realised, would you have the same concern? If you do, and you wish to change how you feel about the impact that porn has on you or your relationship, then seeing a psychosexual therapist can help facilitate this change, reduce your fears, and uncover the hidden sexual landscape so you and your partner can explore something new and create a map of your sexual experience together.
Relationship support is available
If you are concerned about your porn use or feel that it’s having a detrimental effect on your life, don't hesitate to get in touch with TR and book a psychosexual therapy session.
- Li, Y., Ingham, R. and Armstrong, H. (2026). Pornography use patterns and psychosexual wellbeing: cultural and gender differences among partnered young people in China and the UK. Culture, Health & Sexuality, [online] pp.1–15. doi: https://doi.org/10.1080/13691058.2025.2599255.
In their paper Li, Ingham and Armstrong discuss the cultural difference of porn use in the UK and China, which I haven’t discussed in this blog. The other consideration in the research, is that all the 1,223 participants were aged between 18 and 25. The experience of porn use within the clinical service at TR, correlates with most of the study’s findings, although different age groups and the length of porn use and it’s affects haven’t been discussed. If you are concerned about your porn use or feel that it’s having a detrimental effect on your life, please contact TR and book a psychosexual therapy session.
